Jiraiya's Other Advice
by Powerofmind99
Summary: Minato has a unique problem with his new wife, and he's out of places to go. But Master Jiraiya has the answer he needs! -One shot- rated T for fun words!


Minato has a unique problem with his new wife, and he's out of places to go. But Master Jiraiya has the answer he needs!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto...

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mini-note: i've noticed several times when writing, that people seem to get confused when i skip around in time. I stick by a style where i use dividers as a way to say "and a little while later". I also like to leave a few things to the imagination, or cut out certain bits of info. It's always more fun if you don't know exactly what's going on... yet. That ought to clear a bit up.

* * *

"Pff..."

"Look, you old horny bastard, it isn't funny."

*snicker*

"God damnit it's not funny!"

"pfff...AHAHAHAHAAHAAHA!"

Minato's face burned red, of both anger and embarrassment. "Oh and it's never happened to you, has it, _O perverted ancient_?"

The toad sage sighed as his laughter cut, more abruptly than he wanted to. _I hate that nickname... _"Alright, alright. I think I can help you. But, come on, Minato. You have to admit, it's pretty funny!"

The blonde folded his arms over his chest and looked out a window. "Is not."

The sage quickly made the jab as hard as he could, oh how he had waited for a moment like this. Finally, ultimate payback for all of the mean things Minato said about his 'research'. "Konoha's Yellow Flash. I guess speed applies to _everything_ you do."

The Hokage candidate exploded. "I'M GONNA CASTRATE YOU, OLD MAN!"

* * *

_Later..._

Jiraiya sat quietly on his personal piece of carpet, grinning proudly through a black eye, broken nose, and two chipped teeth. "Totally worth it, kid!"

Minato was opposite his elder, still red-faced as ever, and growing constantly more impatient by the second. "Just help me already, you made your joke, ha ha ha, everybody laughs."

The sage leaned in a bit, resting his arms on his knees. "So you've got no problem... uhh... 'accepting the mission', so to speak?"

A particular fiber in the carpet at Minato's foot suddenly became so much more interesting than the topic at hand. A faint mumble was the only reply.

Jiraiya sighed. _How can he be my student, and be the most tight-assed person alive?_ "Come again?"

"No..."

The hermit nodded appraisingly. "Alright, alright. So the only problem is, that you're finishing your mission too fast, then."

A nod was the only response this time, and it looked like the blonde was starting to finger his famous seal.

_Already trying to escape?_ Jiraiya smiled. "How fast, exactly?"

The blonde averted his eyes and mumbled out a response. "A fssess..."

Jiraiya wasn't sure if he had thought it before, but, he was definitely enjoying this. "Speak up."

"About six seconds..."

Jiraiya leered. "I have just the thing!"

* * *

Minato's red face turned bleach white, a sudden change from it's recent beet red. "No way. Never gonna do it, ever. This ruins my entire perspective of my career just _knowing_ this exists."

Jiraiya chuckled. This was proving to be more entertaining than he could have ever dreamed. "Look, Minato. This is a seeeecret technique, given to me by the Sandaime, who claims to have gotten it from the Nidaime, the supposed inventor of it. It's not some big taboo jutsu, as you can see, it's history is rather prominent!"

The blonde settled himself into a heap on the floor. "So all the greats have come and gone through this problem then?"

The older man bellowed with laughter. "Come on, kid! You didn't _really_ think you were good at everything in life, did ya?"

* * *

_Several Hours Later..._

Kushina groaned as she let her head flop back over the top of the chair she was sitting in. "Look, perv, I wouldn't come here if I didn't think you had something to help me out, here."

Jiraiya giggled a little. "Oh I've got just the thing... It's a little something-something I picked up from a small village in Kumo during a trip. They make it from a local flower they call 'lightning lily'. Needless to say, a little bit of this diluted in water should make even Minato's... hehehe... problem, much less evident."

The white-haired man produced a small, clear vial with a slightly yellow-tinted liquid inside, and Kushina grasped at it instantly. The older man, however, was much too quick for that, and his hand was behind his head long before Kushina was anywhere near the vial. "Ah ah ah! Not so fast. You owe me at least one trademark Uzumaki sealing secret for this."

Kushina scowled at the sage. "Really old man... You drive a hard bargain, but a good time is a good time. Alright, so I heard you were wondering about shrinking the core size on time-delay seals..."

* * *

_That Night..._

A flash of red hair could be seen running to another room as Minato opened the door to his apartment. "Kushina-chan? Are you home?"

Something sounded like it shattered in another room, and then Minato almost had a heart-attack when he heard something heavy fall over in yet another room. Various proclamations of 'Shit!' and 'My toe!" could be heard moving from the living room to the bedroom. The commotion stopped quickly, and he heard something in the bedroom. "Yes, Mina-kuuuun."

_She sounds... giddy. Did that old bastard actually tell her that he taught me... no, he wouldn't. I hope he wouldn't..._ Figuring it would do good to set the mood, he stepped in, and started making his way to the bedroom. "You sound like you're in a good mood, care to make it better?"

In the bedroom, Kushina had removed the cap on the small container and cocked her head to one side. _He said just a little bit in water... but drugs never do have much effect on me... maybe the whole thing... pure... can't hurt too much._ Minato was making his way to the bedroom, so she had to choose fast. Almost to herself, she breathed out a quick, "Oh well, bottom's up."

The bedroom lights were already out when Minato opened the door. When he looked to the bed, he couldn't actually see Kushina there. Confused, he stepped all the way in and turned on the lights. The next thing he knew, he was blindsided from behind the door, and on the ground with his clothes already torn to pieces.

When his vision refocused, he saw Kushina, breathing ragged and eyes glassed over. "Man..."

_Oh god..._

* * *

_One Interesting Night later..._

The next day, almost at the break of dawn, Minato stumbled through Jiraiya's door for the second day in a row, a record for him. He was waving an empty vial in his hand. "What the fuck did you put in this?"

Jiraiya blinked a few times, startled out of breakfast. "That? It's just an aphrodisiac I gave to Kushina... Speeds up her end, you know? I figured you wouldn't last more than thirty minutes, even with that technique, so I gave it to her..."

Minato slammed the glass on the table and grabbed the old man's shoulders, shaking him furiously. "She's gone completely sex-crazy! I don't care if we're married, she'd probably screw the whole village if I let her outside, given how she's acting!"

Jiraiya was about to make a remark, _probably a lewd one_, Minato thought, until Kushina burst into the room, wearing what _looked_ like her clothing, backwards, and most likely inside out. "Minato! Iwokeupandyouweren'tthereso Itrackedyouheresowecouldhave somemoreSEX! COME ON LET'S GO BACK TO OUR PLACE! Ohhipervert, doyouwannacomehavefun, too?"

Minato flared a reddened face and screamed a reply as he pulled her out of the man's house. "You are NOT going to invite _that_ to join us in bed! I'm taking you to the emergency room to have your body chemistry fixed!"

Jiraiya, at a loss for words, partially because he didn't actually understand what Kushina was saying, and partially because Minato somehow could, sat there rather quietly through the whole affair of Minato trying to pry his wife through the doorway, looking rather stupid with a noodle hanging out of his mouth the entire time. When they had gone, he picked up the vial on his table and looked it over._ This isn't just an aphrodisiac, it's an infamous fertility drug... The shop owner said a few drops in a glass of water is enough to make a 50-year old woman fertile again. If she drank the entire thing... _"I wonder if it'll be a boy..."

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Notes: Lalalala, avoiding my major storiiiies! At the very least, this should be funny. Enjoy the shits and giggles.

Plus: For those of you who are _utterly_ incapable of reading talkreallyfast (talk really fast), here is kushina's, translated, of course:

I woke up and you weren't there so I tracked you here so we could have some more SEX!

Oh hi pervert do you wanna come have fun too?


End file.
